This part of the website is dedicated providing an outlet for poets and creative writers who take their muse from the world of sport. I hope you enjoy. Anybody who would like to have a poem included on the website, feel free to e-mail us on gazgazgaz_gaz@hotmail.co.uk.
The real cat and acrrot was delighted to receive this delightful poem from Andrew Rudlin about the celebratory exploits of Manchester United's ever-present utility man John O'shea in 2005 against rivals Arsenal in their 4-2 victory.
That is literally the best thing I’ll ever do
I’ve won it for United, we’ve beaten Arsenal 4-2!
Now for the celebration, the most important bit of all
Should I do a Cantona, and just play it cool?
Or should I slide on my knees in the corner like Wayne?
Take my shirt off like Giggsy or do the aeroplane?
‘Who are ya?’ they chanted, now they’ll see
I’m doing the aeroplane, here I go look at me!
But I’m walking not running, that can’t look right
I should be smiling or shouting but I’ve got stage fright!
I should be running around leading my team mates on a chase
What have I gone for? A walking aeroplane with a bemused face
Sky sports adverts, that’s where they show the best
The true professionals punching the air or kissing the crest
Alas I’ve fucked it up, I looked like a twat
I’ll never get on an advert with a celebration like that
Next time I’ll be better, I’ll plan it before the game
I’ll learn gymnastics and put the others to shame
I’ll bang one in and the commentator will say:
‘He’s scored and off he goes, the back-flipping John O’Shea’
Andrew Rudlin
For those of you who cannot remember O'shea's awkward response to his finest acheivement you can find it 1 at 1.33 in this video, along with all of his career goals for Manchester United:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4euEBXsREgU
The real cat and carrot would like to thanl Andrew for his lovely contribution to the site.
3/11/2009
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Arsene's got eight million pounds...
Here's a letter we recieved from Franny, aged 20:
What a lousy season, Walter’s put me on the shelf
In the games a do play, I’m a shadow of my former self
My request was justified, 20K a week for me?!?
That's little more than Joe Max-Moore or Danny Cadamarteri
But Walter Smith you’re senile, your policies are old
Don’t you know who I am, the kind of records I hold
I wouldn’t worry too much about it though, I’m on my way you see?
Arsene’s got eight million pounds and he’s spending it on me
Arsene’s got eight million pounds and he’s spending it on me
That’s Dennis Bergkamp and Nicolas Anelka if you were to combine their fee
Arsene’s got eight million pounds and he’s spending it on me
Two million more than Robert Pires and just two shy of Henry
He must think I’m brilliant, “the man who can”, “the one”
It’s seldom Arsene splashes out on an all white Anglican
I wonder where he’ll play me and who will step aside?
He’ll probably play Wiltord from the bench and Thiery from out wide
He’ll probably play Wiltord from the bench and Thiery from out wide
Drop Nwankwo altogether to fit me in the side
I’ll play as the fox in the box with Dennis in the hole
And maybe Patrick Vieira will scruff my hair each time I score a goal
I’m on my way to Highbury, what an adventure this will be
Arsene has eight million pounds and he’s spending it on me
Franny
added - 27/10/2009
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Everybody Loves Raimond
A letter we were sent illustrating the indescribable impact Raimond van der Gouw has on some people.
Raimond van der Gouw, may I compare you to a bright summer's day?
Raimond, oh Raimond, how much I love thee?
Raimond, oh lovely Raimond, you truly are the goalkeeping Shakespeare,
Raimond, oh lovely sweet Raimond, you're the footballing Obama,
Raimond, oh lovely sweet innocent Raimond, you are more than an adequate stand in goalkeeper,
so much more infact,
You've inspired me more than you can possible know gouw,
you've made me want to tend the goal, but no, that is not all,
you saved me Raimond, like you saved from Solskjaer or Butt in training,
you saved me from crisis, from despair,
you, Raimond van der Gouw are the reason why I am here,
the reason why I wake up in the mornings and go to sleep content at night,
you are why I am a man of faith, the reason why I buy semi skimmed milk, instead of full fat
Your impact is never ending and everpresent Raimond
and i just wish you'd realise that Raimond, you are loved.
Without you, there would just be the Pilkingtons and the Manningers.
WHO NEEDS THEM? NOT ME RAIMOND
I NEED YOU, NO ONE ELSE.
So please listen to me, and come home, come back to me Rayray please.
I'll keep making you your dinner and serving at the table until you return to me.
Tonights its' a haddock kedgerie, you love a haddock kedgerie.
I'll be here, I'll wait for you, like you waited for Schmeichel to be injured, thats what I'll do.
I love you.
Anon
25/10/2009
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If We Could Clone Ian Woan
If we could clone Ian Woan
There’d be nothing else we’d need
Not a weakness on the pitch
Entertainment guaranteed
Ian you play centre back
Woaney you’re in goal
Should we play with two up top
Or stick Ian in the hole?
If we could clone Ian Woan
What a team we’d be
A 3-1 win away from home
And Ian’s grabbed all three
Ian Woan from full back
Up the line to forward: Woan
Woan then sticks it in the box
And Ian heads it home
If we could clone Ian Woan
No team could ask for more
Better than Utd in ‘99
Or Arsenal in ‘04
After the referee’s blown for time
And the player’s are heading home
Each opposition player’s happy
He’s swapped shirts with Ian Woan
Argentine Polaroid
14/10/2009
